Real Help for Iowa's Adoptive Families

We're moving!

2009-09-11T15:18:00.002-05:00

Hi!

We've enjoyed sharing adoption support stories and resources from our support specialists this year. Hopefully, if you're an adoptive family, you've found something that's been helpful here. But because there's so much else to chat about with foster care and adoption, we've decided to expand the conversation!

So we have moved to......(insert your own drumroll noises here)....

www.potentialforgreatness.blogspot.com.

Instead of talking solely about adoptive families, we'll also be sharing news, stories, resources, etc about Iowa foster care and adoption in general. We'll also continue to share some of the same kinds of topics you've read here.

Thanks for reading our adoption support blog, and I hope we'll see you over at the new one!

Homework Tips for Kids with ADHD

2009-08-17T15:28:00.010-05:00

It's hard to believe kids are back in school! Soon they'll be bringing home all sorts of science projects and math problems and reading assignments. For kids with ADHD, homework time can be especially challenging. Here's some tips that might help:

Turn on the music.
For some kids with ADHD, silence can be more of a distraction than music. It might take some experimenting, but try finding some music for background noise. For some kids, lyrics will keep them from focusing, so fun jazz or other instrumental music might work better.

Take a break.
Let your kids do homework in chunks. If they have twenty math problems to do, split the assignment into two sets of ten and let them take a short break in between. Frequent short breaks may make focusing on tasks easier.

Get organized.
Communicate regularly with your child’s teacher to help with organization and to anticipate work for long-term projects. Use color-coded tabs to straighten up binders, and work on using a planner to record assignments and schedule ahead. Set up a special homework tray or folder so your child always knows where to put completed assignments. It may take time to find what works for your child, but having an established organizational routine will help him focus. Try to keep a consistent routine of time and place for homework.

Reward progress.
Kids with ADHD get constant criticism about their behavior, so create a simple reward system for completing tasks. For example, if your child remembers to bring home all the necessary books and supplies from school, reward her concentration with a credit toward a fun activity. When enough credits are earned, the fun begins.

Boost memory.
If your child has to memorize facts, have her say them into a tape recorder and listen to them. For reading comprehension and memory, have her write a sentence as she finishes each page. If your child likes to draw, try having him draw pictures for his reminders of tasks and places to be.

Want more? Your support specialist can help you find resources to make sure your child gets the school year started off right.

What are some of your good homework tips?

Sara's support story about a birth family issue

2009-08-14T08:47:00.008-05:00

You never know when your family might need extra support – here’s a great example.

I talked to a mom this week that recently got connected to adoption support after a situation took her family by surprise.

Sara and her teenage daughter were together when her daughter's birth parent shouted at them from the street and used her daughter’s birth name.

“She was very angry, overwhelmed, and upset,” said Sara about her daughter’s reaction to the incident.

A contact at DHS told Sara to call Iowa KidsNet, and a support specialist promptly set up a time to meet Sara’s family at their home. They talked about how it was okay to be scared and came up with ways to cope.

“She gave our daughter coping skills, and empowerment,” Sara says. “She talked about ways to respond if the situation occurred again, and made an emergency plan.”

Sara and her family hadn’t foreseen that they’d ever need to use support, but they are really grateful to have it now.

“It was a relief,” she said. “It wasn’t one of us as parents talking to her, but an outside person who could relate real-life stories to her on how this could work or help.”

The support specialist then mailed a personal plan to Sara’s daughter that she could use.

And how did Sara’s daughter feel about having someone to talk to? Sara summed it up in one word:

"Fabulous."

Their family's story is a really great example of how support can help any family, even if you're not in crisis. Think about signing up for support now, so you can everything lined up in case you ever need to use it! For info on how to sign up for free post-adoption support, go here.

(Names changed for privacy.)

Go back to school with support!

2009-08-04T13:29:00.003-05:00

If you're new to our blog, just want to remind you that all Iowa families who have an adoption subsidized by DHS can access free support services from Iowa KidsNet.

Support can be something as complex as getting help during a crisis or as simple as having someone listening when you need to talk. As you think about getting kids back to school, it's a great time to sign up for support. Your support specialist can attend an IEP meeting with you or help you find resources for behavioral issues so your child can have a successful school year....

Learn more about this free service here!

When will your child's adoption subsidy end?

2009-07-20T08:53:00.011-05:00

When will your child’s adoption subsidy end? The answer depends on your child’s situation. An adoption subsidy normally ends the month your child turns 18, even if he or she has not yet graduated from high school. However, the subsidy can continue up to age 21 if your child continues to have special needs.

About six months prior to your child’s 18^th birthday, you should receive a letter from your DHS adoption subsidy worker, explaining the case will be closed unless you provide further information. However, to be fully prepared, you should ask questions in advance about when subsidy is scheduled to end and know what you need to do to continue it.

My local DHS subsidy worker suggests parents plan early - if you have a child who is nearing age 17, you should start planning how to obtain the documentation in a timely manner.

To continue with adoption subsidy past age 18, your child needs to be living at home and needs to have a documented special need (diagnosed by a doctor, AEA, Master's therapist, etc.). This needs to be documented when your child is between the age of 17 and 18. If he or she does not have a special needs diagnosis, the case will be closed.

There are some circumstances in which subsidy may continue if the child is not living at home. For example, one of my families had a situation where their soon-to-be 18-year-old was unable to live in the home because of unique circumstances. Because the teen had a current diagnosis, the DHS adoption subsidy worker agreed to consider extending the subsidy if that teen chose to enter an independent living program. In a case like this, your post adoption support specialist can assist you in working with DHS to continue a subsidy if there are special circumstances.

Your DHS adoption subsidy worker needs to have documentation of a diagnosis at least 30 days prior to the child’s 18^th birthday. If you send it in later than that, the only way for the subsidy to be re-opened is if you complete a request for an exception to policy. However, this process will take at least 30-60 days.

If you have questions about continuing adoption subsidy or need help navigating the process, contact your post adoption support specialist!

What are remedial services?

2009-07-13T10:14:00.005-05:00

Back in April we discussed how any child in Iowa on Title 19 insurance is eligible for an LPHA assessment. This assessment can help your child qualify for all kinds of helpful services.

One of those services you should know about as a foster adoptive parent is called remedial services. Remedial services are designed to help youth with mental health needs, such as ADHD, oppositional defiant disorder or other diagnoses.

Remedial services are skill-based, which means a caseworker from a private provider will come to your home or meet you at an office and help your child learn skills for anger management, conflict resolution, problem solving, communication, decision-making, coping, socialization and other issues. These skills can be really beneficial in helping your child manage behaviors or have more positive relationships.

It’s a voluntary service so if your child qualifies then you decide what agency you want as a provider. Remedial services are offered to children who have Medicaid Title 19 insurance or qualify for it – and the service is free to these kids.

If your child has behavioral or mental health issues and is on Title 19, this service could benefit him or her. First step, talk to your Iowa KidsNet support specialist about lining up an LPHA assessment. The LPHA, who is a licensed clinician such as a psychiatrist, a psychologist or therapist, will do an assessment to see if services are needed and what kind. If he or she recommends remedial services, your support specialist can help you locate a provider in your area.

If you want more info, or think remedial services could be helpful for your family, please talk to your support specialist. He or she can help you get started!

What's a mental health waiver?

2009-06-22T15:15:00.009-05:00

One of the frustrations adoptive parents often face is finding resources and assistance for their children. Your support specialist can be a valuable resource in providing you information on programs, resources and other assistance available.

One resource you should be aware of is the Children's Mental Health Waiver (CMH Waiver). The CMH Waiver is for children under 18 years old with serious emotional disturbance.

A great thing about the CMH Waiver is that it allows you to access services for treatment in your home instead of placing your child in an institution. The intent of the CMH Waiver is to identify services not available through other mental health programs. The CMH Waiver offers several services, such as environmental modifications, adaptive devices and therapeutic resources. It also offers family and community support services, in-home therapy and respite care services.

To qualify for the service, your child must have a diagnosis of a serious emotional disturbance (SED) by a psychiatrist, psychologist or mental health professional within the past 12 months. A SED disrupts the daily functioning of children in their home, school and community. Common childhood SEDs can include things like anxiety, depression and mood disorders, attention deficit and disruptive disorders, elimination disorders or eating disorders.

For more information on a CMH Waiver, go here. This site by the Iowa Department of Human Services will introduce you to more about the waiver and tell you how to get started with the process.

You can also talk with your support specialist to get more info!

Wendy's Frosty Weekend

2009-06-10T14:36:00.002-05:00

Wendy's is donating $.50 from every Frosty purchase June 20 - 21 to the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption, which helps find forever families for America's foster children.

Sounds like a good reason to go get ice cream!

Learn more here!

Thawing out a brain freeze

2009-06-10T10:03:00.006-05:00

Just to prove that even in challenging situations, we can still find humor! . . .

I was recently visiting one of the adoptive families I support. One of the challenges their daughter is dealing with is in regard to sensory issues. She isn't extra-sensitive to certain textures, but rather has difficulty feeling that there are things touching her. So, when she holds a pen, pencil or crayon, she has to hold it very tightly, which also makes writing a challenge. When she eats, she has to fill her mouth very full of food to realize there is food in her mouth.

As mom, dad and I were visiting, this young girl enters the room with about eight hats on her head. I asked her if her head was cold.

She looked at me as seriously as could be and said, "No, not really. I did have a brain freeze earlier, though. I thought this might help to thaw it out."

Keeping kids safe in a digital age

2009-06-02T10:25:00.010-05:00

It’s hard to remember how life was before cell phones, computers, internet, the Blackberry - all of today's technology. But as great as technology is, it can also be used inappropriately.

For adoptive children, technology takes on an added twist. The internet as well as cell phones can be used to contact biological family members - which can be a problem if a child shouldn't be having contact with them because of past issues.

Recently, a family told me about how their adopted child, who I'll call "Tim," created a Facebook account, unknown to them. As Tim said, "all my friends had one and they wanted me to get one too."

The parents found out by accident about the account and noticed a biological relative on the Friends page. After probing further, they discovered that a biological relative had found Tim's account, promptly sent a message and requested to be a friend. In Tim's particular situation, contact with the birth family was not appropriate.

Tim didn't accept the request, but apparently that family member had other children in the family also make requests, hoping to get Tim to make contact.

It's tough for all parents, whether they have adopted children or not, to make sure their kids are using technology safely. Computers are at schools and libraries. Friends have cell phones.

The IFAPA Listserv recently had information about free software that can help you monitor your child’s computer activities.

It's called OnlineFamily.Norton, created by Symantec. The software is designed to help parents track what their children are doing when they use the computer. Users can view search words, censor web content in over 40 categories, and restrict profiles, preferences and allowable Internet use.

OnlineFamily.Norton is available for free until January 1, 2010. For more info, visit www.OnlineFamily.Norton.com.

Every situation and every child is different, so above all, talk to your kids. They've grown up sharing, posting, IMing, and connecting online. And at a young age, they don't always understand that those interactions can have consequences.

Here's some tips for helping your kids learn to be safe online from OnGuard Online:

Help your kids understand what information should be private.
Use privacy settings to restrict who can access and post on your child's website.
Remind your kids that once they post information online, they can't take it back.
Tell your kids to trust their gut if they have suspicions. If they ever feel uncomfortable or threatened by anything online, encourage them to tell you.

If you need help getting a conversation started, ask your support specialist for advice!

Join us for an adoption focus group - RSVP early to get a stipend!

2009-05-27T09:46:00.007-05:00

Iowa KidsNet will be holding focus groups for adoptive families with state subsidized adoptions in June. We'll discuss what is going right and what's going not-so-right. We'll also talk about how Iowa KidsNet's post adoption team may be able to provide help and direction for any problems you're encountering. We want to hear from you, so please join us if you can!

Focus groups will take place in Ames, Council Bluffs, Cedar Rapids, Waverly, Davenport, Sioux City, and Urbandale. Click here for more details.

The first 20 families that RSVP to each group and attend will receive a $50 stipend.

Adoption movies can spark good conversations

2009-05-26T09:07:00.001-05:00

One of our support specialists wrote a note below about framing a response when your children ask questions about being adopted from foster care. A springboard to a good conversation like that could be watching a movie together with an adoption or foster care theme.

You may want to watch the film you choose beforehand so you can think about any questions your child might have, or any themes or stereotypes of children and parents that could be sensitive.

There's a useful article about this, along with a movie list, here. Foster Club also has a great movie list....!

Anyone else have a great movie with adoption or foster care themes to recommend?

60 kids and counting

2009-05-21T14:26:00.003-05:00

Happy Thursday afternoon!

So National Foster Care Month is winding up. Check out this story from Iowa foster parent Elaine. Her family has taken care of 60 kids over the years - wow!

Give her a thumbs up below to say thanks to all foster and adoptive parents for the great things they do for kids! And, see more videos here.

Enjoy the holiday weekend!

When your child asks the big questions

2009-05-19T15:08:00.009-05:00

One question adoptive parents often have is knowing when and how to talk to a child about his or her past history.

The bottom line is that children deserve to know their history. For older kids, telling them they are adopted usually isn't an issue because they remember it happening. For kids who were too young to remember, it's often better to introduce them to adoption sooner rather than later. A good rule of thumb is to keep the conversation at a level your child can process and understand.

For example, it's not unusual for adoptive parents to be a bit over-prepared for those kind of questions from their kids. Make sure you understand exactly what info your child is seeking. For example, if your daughter asks where she came from, she may just be asking what town she was born in. Try and clarify the question before you give the hour-long speech that you've prepared "just for this moment."

One author and expert suggests a good time to have these conversations is when your child is in the tween ages. That way, he or she can process that new information into their lives before they begin the changes that come with adolescence.

These kinds of conversations are important and aren't always easy. That's where your support specialist can help! We can give you tools to be ready for whatever questions your child has, help you find good resources on the topic and help you know how to communicate what you want to say.

Signing up for Support

2009-05-14T11:30:00.004-05:00

Our support specialists have been blogging about ways they can help adoptive families. If you're new to our blog, check out some of the tips and resources they've shared!

Iowa KidsNet offers free support services to all Iowa families who have an adoption subsidized by the Iowa Department of Human Services. Support can be something as complex as getting help during a crisis or as simple as having someone there to listen when you need to talk.

Learn more about how to sign up for post-adoption support services.

Getting help for your child at school

2009-05-11T08:59:00.009-05:00

I have found adoptive families face many of the same issues. One of the most common non-behavioral issues seems to be IEPs (Individualized Education Plans). The laws regarding IEPs make it complicated for most of us to figure out. Many of us have had to battle a school or talk to a local AEA to fight for our children to get the extra help provided by an IEP.

However, as a parent, you have a right to get an evaluation and you have a right to appeal any decision made by your local AEA. But without knowing the laws, parents may often give up out of confusion and frustration.

A support specialist can you help you find resources to help. For example, Nancy, an adoption information specialist for IFAPA, is a good resource. I talked to Nancy recently to get information for a family I was working with. Nancy has years of experience working with AEAs and knows what resources parents can tap into.

The state of Iowa also has a federally funded program that helps parents deal with issues regarding their local AEA. Parent Training and Information Center of Iowa in Des Moines has an attorney on staff and can assist you in an appeal or by answering any questions you have.

Another good resource for parents is Wrightslaw. This website has accurate, up-to-date information about special education law and advocacy for children with disabilities.

Here's some tips Nancy shared for advocating for your child:

1) Ask in writing for a special education evaluation and send it to the school certified.
2) Ask for an evaluation under both IDEA and Section 504.
3) Be specific about what kinds of problems you think the student has and use examples.
4) Make sure the district and AEA keep to the required timelines and do everything necessary for the student.
5) Invite people to the IEP meeting who can help you advocate for the child.

Your post adoption support specialist can help you set up meetings with your school principal and AEA and can also attend to help you advocate for your child. We can help you navigate the process and also work with you to find the resources you need to get the services your child needs.

Get started with support services here.

Communication is key

2009-05-05T10:20:00.003-05:00

When I sit down with families to establish our support plan, there is a section which asks about the family’s strengths and needs. Families often say they want to communicate better. It’s not that they aren’t trying to communicate. It just seems that between the pressures of living each day and handling some behavioral issues good communication can easily fall off track.

To help get families back on track, I can facilitate a family meeting. The meeting is different for each family. I had one family who wanted to learn how to listen to each other and be respectful of each person’s thoughts and opinions. In another family, they wanted a safe way to express concerns about issues between various family members. The goal for the meeting can be as different as the families are different.

When communication is difficult and strained, a support specialist can help get things on track. With help, a family can build a foundation to where someday communication is no longer a need, but a strength.

Get more info about support services here!

It's National Foster Care Month!

2009-05-01T15:36:00.002-05:00

May is National Foster Care Month. We at Iowa KidsNet want to say thank you to all the foster and adoptive families who make such a huge difference for Iowa kids!

Want to learn more about foster care month and ways you can help raise awareness? Go here.

Need a good listener?

2009-04-27T16:27:00.001-05:00

Having a child or children with special needs can be stressful. One of the roles of a post adoption support specialist is to provide support to you and your family to help you manage the issues and help alleviate stress.

One of the things I can do is to listen. Sometimes parents don’t need answers; they just need to vent some of the frustrations of a bad day or a bad week they may have had with their child. Sometimes it just helps to talk out a situation as well to see the answers or solutions more clearly.

I visited with a pre-adoptive family recently regarding one of their children wanting some contact with biological parents. One of the siblings recoiled at that idea because of what had happened in the biological home. The mom didn’t want to upset the other child and felt contact with certain biological relatives would not be healthy for the rest of the siblings.

After talking it out and giving some suggestions, the mom came to the conclusion that they would let the child have contact with biological family via mail. She decided letters would be screened for safety reasons, and she let her child know that was part of the plan.

The mom was able to talk about her thoughts, ideas and fears, and a solution was found.

Sometimes it won’t be easy to find a clear solution, but your support specialist is always willing to lend an ear.

Take a deep breath

2009-04-24T10:12:00.004-05:00

As part of my first visit to a family’s home for post-adoption support, we spend time completing a support plan. (See a sample support plan here.) This is a document that helps us establish where things are at the moment and lay a foundation from which to build the support.

One part of the support plan asks the parents to identify strengths of their child or children. When things are stressful, as they usually are at this point, I see parents take a deep breath and sigh. Some struggle for a couple of minutes. This isn’t unusual. When life feels like it takes all the family’s energy just to get through each day, it’s hard to recognize the strengths of the individuals as well as the family as a unit.

Take a deep breath once in awhile when it’s a rough day and do two things to focus:

1. List the strengths of your children.
2. Then make a list of your family’s strengths.

Don’t wait until you are nearing a breaking point to request support. You don’t have to find answers alone. Let us help.

Getting an LPHA assessment

2009-04-22T09:22:00.006-05:00

Many of my calls for post-adoption support are from families who are struggling with behavioral issues with their adoptive child, or even behavioral issues with their biological child as a result of the adoption.

As a post-adoption support specialist, I assess the issues and situation in the home and suggest possible resources your family can use.

For example, in the state of Iowa any child on Title 19 insurance is eligible for an LPHA assessment to qualify for all sorts of services. Some of those services include in-home services, individual and family counseling/therapy services, anger management and behavior intervention, and skill development. I have recommended this to several families who are dealing with behavioral issues.

The assessment is completed by a Licensed Professional of the Healing Arts (LPHA). It works like this - your support specialist will assist you in making a referral to an LPHA, who will meet with you and your child to ask a variety of questions regarding behaviors. The LPHA will then make a mental health diagnosis and help link you with a provider and/or therapist for the recommended service.

One of those services could be what's called remedial services. Remedial services are skill building services that address specific symptoms of a mental health diagnosis. Your LPHA will create a skill development plan for your child that your remedial service provider will then put into action.

The diagnosis from the assessment is like a prescription that can be taken to any pharmacist. You can use any provider or therapist you wish. Your support specialist can assist you with finding providers.

Raising children is tough enough; raising children with special needs is even more challenging. If your adopted child is struggling with a lot of behavioral issues, ask your post-adoption support specialist about the possibility of getting an LPHA assessment.

Why you should sign up for support now

2009-04-13T08:43:00.000-05:00

“I’m not really having any issues with my adoptive children."

I have heard this several times while calling adoptive parents to talk to them about post-adoption support services. Post-adoption support services aren’t just for those having issues! There are a variety of things we can help you with - from finding summer camp opportunities and scholarships to doing the same for college, helping you talk to your child about finding birth parents or any other services you want!

As children grow, needs also change and issues may arise. I have four children, three of which were subsidized adoptions. We do not have any major issues with our children either. My oldest adopted child is now a tween. She has been a very good student despite being in three schools in less than two years! When we went to parent-teacher conferences about a month ago, we were shocked to find she had a D in a class. When talking to the teacher, I pinpointed a recruiting event we held where my children spoke. Even though my daughter was excited about speaking and helping recruit foster parents and was telling teachers at school how excited she was, it brought up her past as well. She even mentioned a couple incidents from her past at school after the event.

We held a lengthy discussion with her, partly about why a decision was made by us and her in-home provider not to continue contact with biological family members after we had initially decided to have contact. We discussed allowing her to write a letter to those particular family members and perhaps allowing them to write back – screened of course. We are leaving that decision up to her, and she hasn’t decided yet.

Just yesterday, a pre-adoptive mom called me regarding a similar issue of one of the children wanting contact with biological family members. He had already been assured he could stay in touch with a biological sister who was adopted by another family. However, the mom wasn’t sure how to handle the situation because the other siblings do not want contact. I suggested allowing that child to have contacts via letters. By talking through the situation with me and having me present ideas and suggestions, the family feels they have some solutions to help the child.

Each service area in Iowa KidsNet will have a network plan to better serve the families in their area. Post-adoption support services can be utilized as much and as little as you choose. But even if you aren’t having any issues with your children now, I highly recommend meeting your post-adoption support specialist and signing the subsidy verification form to officially allow you to receive services. That way when a need arises you will know your support specialist and be set to go!

A tip about lying

2009-04-09T12:59:00.009-05:00

I was having coffee with a friend of mine the other day who has several adopted children and is also one of the families I provide support services for. As we were talking about her kids, she sighed and said, “I had no idea how much lying frustrated me until it became something that seems to happen 24-7.”

I knew exactly how she felt - all those feelings of frustration, self-proclaimed awards of being a bad parent, and hoping that one day something would click with a kid and bring them into the realm of honesty.

As a foster adoptive parent myself, I recently found a tool that’s helped me reduce lying behaviors in my home. It may not work for everyone, but it’s really benefited our family.

It’s based on the idea that when a child acts out it’s often because of fear and that we can replace that fear with a more positive emotion of love. The tool goes like this:

1. At the point where you’d normally confront your child about the lie, don’t. Don’t ask for the truth, don’t address the lie.

2. Instead, make some kind of appropriate physical contact with your child, based on their comfort level - whether that’s a hug or simply a touch on the arm. Remind him you love him. It’s all about giving the child the attention and not the lie. Learning that lying isn’t appropriate behavior can’t happen when your child is afraid.

I did this with my 5-year-old. And after I reminded him I loved him, he came back in the room two minutes later. For the first time in the three years he’s lived with us, he admitted to what he had done wrong. I was floored.

I laughed as my friend at coffee gave me a look of complete doubt. She’s going to try it for two weeks and see what happens. If it doesn’t help, I’ll keep working to connect her with a resource that does!

Amazing families

2009-03-27T12:53:00.006-05:00

Hi, and welcome!

We can’t say it enough – we think Iowa’s foster and adoptive families are AMAZING. You go above and beyond to help kids be safe and succeed. Even after families adopt from foster care, life isn't always easy - we think you deserve support every step of the way.

Our support specialists will be sharing stories, tips, and thoughts each week about support and how it helps adoptive families in real life situations.

Wondering how to access support? Get started here.

We're coming soon!

2009-03-25T16:14:00.001-05:00

Check back - we'll be up and running soon!